There are many reasons for affairs and they happen in happy relationships as well as those where there have been problems. Listen to what your partner is telling you and try not to make assumptions if what she or he is telling you doesn’t fit with what you have always believed about affairs. It can be very distressing to discover that your partner is having or has had an affair.

 

These tips will help you take practical steps to cope with it.

  • Give yourself some time. Finding out such shocking news can leave you feeling angry and hurt. Seek support from trusted friends, family members or to me.

  • Talk to your partner. Although bringing the affair up with your partner may feel painful, it's important you can ask questions so you can assess exactly what has happened. Find somewhere private to talk where you won't be interrupted. If you don't feel ready to talk together you may want to consider me, where you'll have a safe and confidential space to discuss things. 

  • Avoid cutting in on what your partner is saying. Let him/her finish before responding. You will undoubtedly be shocked and upset, but try not to start shouting or rush out of the room. 

  • Ask your partner to tell you the truth, however painful. Recovery after an affair is always worse if lies are told early on. 

  • Ask questions if you need to, but try to focus on the facts. For example you might ask how long the affair has lasted and what your partner wants to happen now. The most urgent question for many people is 'why?' but sometimes a partner can't tell you this immediately and his/her perspective often changes over time. Avoid asking questions such as 'Were they better in bed than me?' You may want to talk about this kind of thing later on, but it's better to establish the facts first.

  • Avoid immediately blaming your partner, the affair partner or yourself. It may seem tempting to hurl an insult at your partner or get into name-calling of their affair partner, but this often gets in the way of true understanding. You should also resist self-blame. You may wonder if your own short-comings have caused the affair, but while you were both responsible for your relationship, you can never be responsible for your partner’s choices. An affair can never be the 'fault' of a faithful partner.

  • Take time to think about what you want to happen next. Once you have established the facts, if your partner resolves to end the affair and re-commit to your relationship, be slow to judge. You'll need to reflect on whether you're able to forgive the breach of trust and you may not yet have all the information with which to make that decision. Only after talking and establishing the reasons for the affair, will you be able to decide. You can however say that you're willing to work with your partner and to try to understand why this has happened.

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